The Fear of Not Smoking

Good morning my friends out there in the world wide web! I hope that the day has found you well. I was going to write my first blog post in regards to the Apps for Android series I will be starting but since I don't have access to some of the information I wanted, I have decided to settle for a something a little different for today.

I made a conscious decision yesterday to change some aspects of my life so that I can lead a healthier lifestyle and maybe extend my life a few years. Recently over the last few months, I have begun to notice significant affects caused by being a smoker for over fifteen years now. I have difficulty climbing even just a flight of stairs; I have random, non-muscle relayed pains in my chest and back; I can't run for any real distance without losing my breath; and sometimes I get short of breath just sitting around doing absolutely nothing. You have no idea how much these symptoms scare the life out of me.

As much as those things scare me, and as ridiculous as it may sound, I am afraid to quit smoking. I know that sounds insane but there are aspects of smoking that I'm afraid or anxious about. One is that I smoke when I get antsy or anxious and for someone with my energy level, antsy is almost a constant state of existence; I just need to be doing something and smoking is something. I'm also afraid I'm going to miss smoking or maybe miss the moments smoking provides: moments of reflection, moments of solitude, moments of quiet. Then there are those times where the habit kicks in like when drinking coffee or after a hearty meal. Frankly, giving up smoking feels like giving up part of my identity; time to change my identity I guess.

It's not that I have any more or less of a desire to smoke or not smoke; it's that I have decided that I want other things in my life that are more important in attaining than the fear of quitting smoking (even though it's ridiculous fear I know). I think I am finally at a point where desire outweighs fear. There are things that I want and others, like cancer, that I don't want. So I have a desire and I have an initial plan...or an idea for a plan.

I have always considered myself to be a fairly intelligent human being and have always, for the most part, been grateful for that. One thing I felt I have always been lacking and have always wanted to change is my size. I'm tiny; small; scrawny; skinny; a twig; thin; or any other synonym you'd like to use to describe me. Needless to say that in any type of situation that requires any form physical force that I am probably the least likely person you'll want around. I have zero upper body strength and even though my legs are fairly strong, they have become weak over time.

I want to be healthier and I want to have the ability to be as strong physically as I am intellectually and as I have become emotionally. I am missing a critical third piece to my "Tri-Force" of a happy existence and I think it is time that I give myself the lifestyle I deserve.

While these are some of the main driving factors behind my recent desire and passion for accomplishing this thus far unaccomplished goal, there are other obvious factors like the amount of money I will be saving and how much more I will be able to do with my time. I have also been inspired by a number of my social media connections, my digital friends, who have turned from a more sedentary lifestyle to one of physical activity and healthy living.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to become a body builder. I'd just like to have some muscle mass and be a little bigger than my nephew who is less than half my age and barely a teenager. I would really like to start getting involved in sports again, specifically hockey (and road hockey in the off season) and I would really like to just run. I enjoy running (apparently it may be genetic and here) but again, not looking to become a long distance or short distance runner; just a runner for recreation. I have to say I had an inclination to work towards next year's Bluenose Marathon but for now, I need to focus on the task at hand.

Well my friends, this about does it for today. I know that I will have more than enough moral support from all my friends (digital and physical) and family; that's never been the trouble. The trouble has come from my own personal fears and today, today I am nearly ready to face those fears; as irrational as they may be. Thank you all for reading and as always:

Smile.
Love Yourself.
Love Each Other.

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