Thursday, October 30, 2014

Street Harassment - A "Nice Guy's" Guide

Good day cyberspace. I hope that the day has found you well. Last night, Lucy DeCoutere came forward publicly and courageously shared her personal experiences with Jian Ghomeshi. That revelation finally brought a lot of people to their senses which is something to celebrate but in this accomplishment there is also the shame that we should bear for the seven women before her that people tried so desperately to discredit and not take serious. Thank you Lucy.

This incident is an all too common occurrence, sexual and/or violent crimes against women. It is a daily occurrence for women across the globe who do not have the luxury of having enough celebrity klout to be able to speak up and see just done as it is no doubt now certain it will be dished out to Jian to some degree; at least that's the direction things seems to be changing to. We mustn't become complacent when the news story dies, we must continue to believe in the victims. Let their voices be heard without judgment or blame.

Sexual assault and sexual harassment towards women needs to stop in all it's forms. The incidents surrounding Jian Ghomeshi are very serious as they are both violent and sexual in nature. These types of incidents happen every day and more often than not it is not someone jumping out of an alley; it is someone the familiar to the victim. My goal here today is actually discuss another form of street harassment that all this brought to my head and that is in regards to street harassment or cat calling; specifically a defense or argument used by countless men. Granted not all the men I hear it from are misogynists (many are), some are just ignorant.

When it comes to street harassment, many men have a difficult time understanding where the line is drawn or don't acknowledge that line whatsoever. First it is important to get this out there right away: men, you are NEVER entitled to a woman; she is not an object or a prize and your verbal sexual harassment expresses that you feel entitled. You're not. Unwelcome advances are never alright.

It is usually at this stage that the argument in question generally arises and most often to troll or to victim blame: 'but I was just being nice' or 'I only said hello' or 'I'm a nice guy though'. Well gentlemen, I'm no woman but I have been educating myself on women's rights, feminism and sexism for quite some time now and while I do not claim to speak for anyone other than myself, I think I might have an answer for you.

"I was just being nice."
While this may sound like a genuine argument, it isn't. First of all you are taking the onus off of yourself for a wrong you committed, regardless of you awareness or opinion of it, and you placed it on the victim. Most rapes and sexual assaults are not committed in secluded alleys in the dark of night which means someone else 'was just being nice' until they weren't. With the frequency of sexual assaults and rapes against women and the way they are judged and mistreated by the entire system (and society), is it a wonder that a woman might not perceive you as 'just being nice'?

She has no way of knowing anything about you, nor do you have any knowledge of her. What if she has already been a victim and your 'being nice' is a trigger to those memories and events? When you get upset and your excuse is that you were 'just being nice', you are blaming someone else for your own shortcomings. I'm not telling you not to be nice, I'm telling you that just because you think you're being nice, does not make it so.

"I'm a nice guy though."
So am I but that does not excuse you from the responsibility of showing respect towards women. I am mature enough to admit that I too, in my youth, thought and some times said this however I have come to understand how very wrong I was. Being a nice guy, much like 'just being nice', are not something you can impose on anyone with evidence and that is what you are doing when you use this as an excuse to blame a victim. She doesn't know that and that you are blaming her for feeling harassed instead of asking how you can correct your behavior is a good indication that you aren't really that nice of a guy.

What I learned that helped me change is that being a nice guy is listening when a woman, or anyone, is trying to express herself; that being a nice guy is showing the same respect towards a woman as you would a male counterpart; that being a nice guy is understanding that you make mistakes, even typical patriarchal, misogynistic mistakes, acknowledging them and taking steps to change them; that being a nice guy is understanding that consent is given, never assumed; that being a nice guy is not what I thought being a nice guy was.

You can be a nice guy and still make the mistake of crossing a line with street harassment; a nice guy will learn from his mistake. What makes you a bad guy is using an excuse to pass the buck and blame the victim for not understanding you were 'just being nice' because you're a 'nice guy'.

"I only said hello."
This one is a popular one in the list of victim blaming statements commonly accompanied by the personal affront that some male's advances weren't welcomed by a woman. Most every encounter begins with a greeting of some sorts. Hello, Hey, Hi, Sup, How's it going, What's new....even a nod of the head or a wave of the hand are gestures of greeting. This is how most relationships, romantic, professional or platonic begin. Incidentally, it is also someone a victim is involved with in one of those three ways who is most likely to commit a sexual or violent crime against them. Let that sink in:

Lover.
Boss or Coworker.
Family or Friend.

When women know they face the fear, the staggering odds (see above graphic) and disturbing judgment when coming forward about claims of sexual assault or rape there should be no misunderstanding why your only saying 'Hello' could be felt as an unwelcome advance. Again and again with these excuses it is always assumed by the man that they are somehow entitled, that somehow a woman should just be happy and appreciate that you are being kind or nice to them. There are days when I don't like my own family being nice or kind to me, let alone a complete stranger; especially one that fits the profile or image of some of my deepest fears.

Examples of street harassment
Whistling.
Gesturing.
Commenting. 'Hey baby!', 'Looking good!', 'Sexy!', 'You're looking beautiful!'....
Leering.
Touching.
Swearing. 'You're a hot bitch!', 'That is one sexy ass!', 'Check out that slut!'...
Sexualization. 'You can me detention any time!', 'You can frisk me any time baby.'....
Intimidation.

The list of things that fall under street harassment and the thousands and thousands of examples that could be provided are countless and too many to list here. The above mentioned list is perhaps unfairly generalizing the many levels and forms of street harassment, I feel it is an acceptable list for people to start with and grow.

In closing...
It isn't about you, it's about them. That's it. Simple. No need to make it complex. Victim blaming is why this behavior continues; why people escape punishment; why so many women live in fear; why so many women continue live in a silent, nightmarish Hell.

So you may just be 'being nice' because you're 'just a nice guy' who was 'only saying Hello' in your own mind but that's not always the way it is in hers....and the way she is made to feel is what's important not that you feel personally insulted because you don't understand. When we get called out as human beings, we have a tendency to become embarrassed by the situation and in this arena we turn that embarrassment into anger instead of a chance to learn, grown and apologize.

Once again, thank you all for reading. I hope that you will be a little more thoughtful in how you approach women, those you know and those you don't, and why your good intentions can come across as unwanted advances. There is hope yet and we need to support all the women out there suffering in silence; they deserve a stage to speak out from free from the hate, judgment and other disturbing victim blaming behavior. One love.

PS: This post is about sexual harassment, sexual assaults, and crimes of a violent/sexual nature against women. This is not in any way indicative of anything but my support for a historically oppressed group; in his case women. I do openly acknowledge that men deal with these very same issues as well.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

The Many Faces of Love

Good day my friends out there in the digital world. I hope that time has found you well. Lately there seems to be a tremendous amount of bad news in the world. Of course, this isn't really anything the new. The world has always been full of strife; we just get to see more of it these days. Or maybe there really is an increase in the amount of instability in the world. Regardless, today I'm finally getting around to a post I've had on my mind for some time: a post about love, the romantic kind.

For the last six months, more like a year but 'officially' we'll stick to about six months, I have been down the in the dumps, depressed even, trying to sort out my last failed relationship. I've had lots of opportunity to think, there's been no shortage of that and while I have managed to sort through some of it and move forward, I realize that there was something holding me back: I helped raise a little girl for those six years we were together. That seems to be what I can't get past but identifying the source of a problem is the first step to finding a solution; I'm sure I will figure this out in time.

I'm not meaning to start this out on a negative, really I'm not. There is no question that the damage done in the end will stick with me for some time to come. Primarily I have serious trust issues but I suppose when you open your heart to someone that you risk the possibility of being hurt. I don't like the way I feel at all. I miss being a more positive person and most of all, I miss being loved. I know there are all kinds of people who love me and I think I know what you mean. This absence, this void I feel is missing cannot be filled suddenly by someone else, I have to fill it first; I have to be happy with myself. This got me to thinking about all the times I have been in love.

I have been fortunate enough to have loved and been loved more than once in my short existence. Some people might argue that you can't be in love with more than one person but I think that most would agree that this is not just possible, but happens to us all. I've thought about those partners, most are still close friends and I started thinking about how each one felt and while each one was a very special, meaningful and honest love, they were different. The love I felt for each (all at different times; no need for you to think I'm a hussy) was honest and true but they were different types of love.
Original

First Love or Puppy Love
I think that we've all been there. This uniquely euphoric feeling of happiness and joy that overwhelms the senses when we first feel romantic love, and it's reciprocated, towards another individual. This new sensation, emotion is something unlike we experience until that moment. We know what love is but the concept of being in love escapes us until the moment that first love enters our lives. For most of us this happens during our teenaged years; I was sixteen.

I remember how excited I was; how absolutely overcome with happiness I was. Here was this other human being who felt this amazing attraction to me in the same way I felt for her. I had had interests in other women at the time but I had always not found a way to either convey that or I was too embarrassed or shy to say anything (which is funny in retrospect given how outspoken I am). I was in love for the first time and as it would turn out, the first time I expressed that loved with someone in an intimate manner.

Things will change, as will hearts and suffice to say my first experience in love ended in a broken heart but not an angry one. She was and is one of the more honest and up front women I have ever had a relationship with. No damaging lies and honest even if it was unpleasant. While it didn't work out, we are still very good friends. We've made other attempts at it over the years but things have never managed to work out. I'm sure she knows who she is and if she's reading this, you will always have a special place in my memory. You're a wonderful woman, an amazing mother and a real friend. I will always be happy to have known and know you.

Opposites Attract
Have you ever met someone who was almost your complete opposite and instead of being turned off from them, you find yourself curiously attracted to them? This is the second face of love I came to know. I used to be a nerdy, geeky, small man of average physical appearance....wait, that's still me! She was the girl that girls want to be. Attractive, confident, strong and empowered. I loved school and learning; she dropped out. We had very little, if anything in common so you can imagine my complete and utter disbelief (not to mention the huge amount of courage to follow through) when she jumped into my car after I pulled over and asked if she'd like to go for a ride (yeah, I did that, it happened).

I never imagined that this simple car ride would turn into a six year relationship on a rollercoaster of events and emotions that are not for the faint of heart. To say we had our ups and downs is to understate it but what we had was ours. While I don't think I have fought so much with any partner in my entire life (and she'll attest to this), we made it work and we were happy more than we were sad or angry. She gave me the greatest and proudest of my entire life thus far: she bore our child. While that moment was the greatest joy, it was a fleeting moment.

We walked many new roads together; grew together; loved and mourned together but in the end, well, hearts will change and so will people. Maybe it was the stress of our shared loss; maybe the differences finally caught up to us; maybe it was just the end of the time we were meant to be together but whatever the case, after six years it ended somewhat mutually. I'm sure she knows who she is as do most who know me personally and that's just fine.

You gave me your heart and your love and shared the single greatest moment of my life and for that there are no words of expression. A part of my heart will always be endeared to that time and place. You have come so far from where we were; from where you were and if you should also happen across this post I would like you to know how absolutely proud of you I am and how absolutely overjoyed I am that you were able to have a family and children of your own. The right man is out there for you, he just needs to know how to handle a strong woman who doesn't take shit.

Love at First Sight
I contemplated the order of these last two but I started chronologically so I figured I might as well continue that way. This needs to be explained more as a story of the experience rather than trying to explain what it is or how it is; there is no real way to express it. Now, a lot of people will argue that you cannot possibly fall in love with someone with just a look but for all you naysayers, I say you are missing out on one of the most powerful forms of emotion you can experience in a moment. Here is what love at first sight it:

I remember it as though it were happening in front of me right now, this very moment. I was with my girlfriend over at a friend's house. He was having a party, nothing unusual for him nor the group of friends I was hanging around with at the time. I was off work from Tim Horton's that night and it was after dark, night time. We were early and four of us were sitting around sipping on some beer waiting for other people to show up. A car came up the driveway. I heard the doors closing and the sound of female laughter outside the door as they made their way up the stairs.

The door opened and I swear by my life and my love of it that never have my eyes beheld what they saw at that moment. She stepped into the room and there was such a sudden brilliance of light emanating from her; from all around her; shining as bright as a noonday sun. I would not have looked away even if I could have, I was entranced. Her long, dark, walnut colored hair flowed down over her shoulders; floated on some invisible breeze as she tossed her head to remove it from her eyes. And her eyes. Her eyes were vibrant and alive; excitement took on some unspoken form within them. A smile across her face brought a warmth to my soul I had never experienced before. Every part of me knew in an instant.

In that moment, girlfriend by my side, I consciously decided that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. There was nothing more important than knowing her. I left the party early and left my girlfriend that night. I would do everything I could possibly do to earn the privilege of asking her out.

I stayed single for six months. I abstained from relations with other women. I sobered up. I became a new man, a better man and I finally felt I was at least somewhat good enough of a person to talk to her and so I asked her out for coffee. She said yes and that began an almost decade long, off and on relationship that concluded with a six year stretch together; the one mentioned in the introduction. While I'm reeling the aftermath of the chaos inflicted at the end, I am not here to talk about the bad.

That feeling of love I felt with is the most remarkable of emotions. It makes you feel invincible; unbreakable; incapable of failure. It lifts you up to a place you didn't even know existed. It is a feeling you never want to lose and therein lies the danger; you fear losing it so much that you will compromise yourself in ways you never imagined. In the time we spent together I was in love with every part of her and there is nothing I would not have done for her. Her happiness was the source of my happiness and while this might all sound like a cliché romance novel, it is what it is. It's the most illogical and irrational of all the types of love I have experienced and it has had a greater affect on me, negative and positive, then any other.

I highly recommend falling in love at first sight but be careful, it's a long way down from the top (of the emotional ladder).

Soul Mates
This brings me to the fourth face of loved I've encountered. Soul mates. What is a soul mate? I guess we all have this idea of a soul mate, of a person who is made to compliment us in all the right ways; another person who was made just for us; a person you are connected to in a way that cannot be expressed; your perfect partner. Well, chances are there are no perfect partners in the concept of perfection we carry around but the idea of a perfect partner is not one who patronizes us or one we don't argue with; it is the opposite. They are a partner who will expose us but who will keep us safe while they are doing; someone who sees the bare soul beneath the external mask we wear.

I have met two. One was a man and he was my the closest one can have to a brother without DNA. He complimented me in a way that I cannot begin to express and for five years we spent more time together than I have with some of my partners. We worked together; lived together; partied together; travelled together; moved together. He will always be someone I remember with great fondness despite our falling out at the end. You made me face more of my own demons than you'll know and helped me through more than I ever told you. You will always be my friend even if time has pushed us apart subjectively and figuratively. While this was never a romantic connection is most definitely worth noting as a soul mate doesn't have to be a romantic love; it can be a fraternal one.
Original

However, when it is a romantic connection I want to tell you that it brings with it a feeling of wholeness that cannot readily be identified. It sounds strange to say that someone 'completes me' given the obvious Hollywood reference here but that's kind of what it's like. There isn't any guess work involved; what cannot be expressed verbally is intuitively understood. Your values, your ethics, your philosophy fall into alignment alongside theirs. And that's just the psychological part of it.

Emotionally, it is the most fulfilling of experiences. It is a feeling that falls under romantic love but it is something far greater than that. It's like a piece of you that you didn't even know was missing has suddenly been filled and you wonder how you ever existed without that peace (double entrendre here as this feeling brings the most amazing sense of serenity). You feel your emotions as though they were physical things embracing you; the negativity of every day existence is a distant memory in the sounds of their voice. There is no jealousy; there is no anger. There is only understanding.

There is not a moment that goes by that I don't wish the circumstances of our lives had been different to see where it would have gone. She knows how I feel; I know how she feels but this is one love I have only ever been permitted to feel from a distance. While I would love her in an instant, it is most certainly the case that it's just not in the stars. I take comfort in knowing she is out there; that she is happy; that she is loved.

Falling
Falling in love is a wonderfully dangerous thing. On the one hand you get to experience what could quite possibly be the very meaning for existence (if you've ever really been in love you'd agree that it at least makes the top 10) and on the other hand, you could end up going through the darkest moments of your life. It's a risk. It's a risk you need to take.

I have had my heart broken more times in 20 years than I care to count. Some were mostly painless, most were moments that required a few weeks of sadness and a select few moments almost tore me to pieces. I have been cheated on, lied to, beaten, pushed and had a knife pulled on me in those same years (I cheated once and did eventually admit it even though she never found out; it was wrong of me) and I'm sure I wasn't always the most pleasant individual either. I know I've broken my share of hearts as well and for that, I sincerely and truly apologize.

However I feel today (which is a little better now that I have taken the time to share and reflect), I have been there in some sense before and as you can see, I've made it back to a place of love and joy so I suspect that at some point down the road I will find myself falling in love once again and whoever she is, whatever face love presents itself with, I will cherish every moment of it as if it were my last because I have known that last moment one too many times.
Original

Thanks for reading and may you all be blessed with finding someone who loves you for everything that you are and all that you can and will be. Never settle for less. One love.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Feminism

Hello friends from around the global community. I'm back again with another long winded post which I hope you will have the time to fully read through. Today's discussion focuses on feminism and while I could never hope to fully identify what feminism is, I can share some of the important ideas and thoughts that I have come to learn from my growth into a feminist. Yes, I am a feminist. Being a feminist has nothing to do with gender and now that we've cleared that up right from the start, let's get into this shall we? Today's blog post is brought to you and inspired by an article on children's "sexy" Halloween costumes from the Chronicle Herald; a provincial newspaper here in Nova Scotia. It is more like the catalyst that prompted me to write.

What is Feminism?
A lot of people are confused about what feminism is. I've heard all kinds of interpretations about what people think feminism is from both men and women. Some of the answers I get vary from the well educated to the absolutely frightening. For the purposes of my post today I am going to define what feminism means to me. I understand the impossible task of generalizing such an umbrella of issues under one definition; that is not my intent here. My intent is to provide a general starting point and expand from there.

Feminism is the idea that women and men should be treated equitably and equally socially, economically, lawfully and in all affairs. Let's take a moment to look at those two words: equitable and equally. People often get confused here and run off on tangents in an attempt to discredit feminism. Equity means the same amount, quantity whereas equally means the same quality. Feminism is the idea that women should be given the same amount of opportunity with the same rewards as men. Now language becomes a bit of a speed bump here if we're not careful. Rewards do not necessitate materialistic gain; it can be emotional, psychological, etc.

This is a rather general explanation but the most important idea to retain here is this: feminism is about improving rights for women in all areas of society; it is not discriminating against men and taking away their rights to give to women. And this leads into the next branch of my post.

What feminism isn't.
Because feminism is so often misunderstood, I am going to take a minute to list off what feminism is not. It is not about taking away rights from men. It is not discriminating against men. It is not man-hating. It has nothing to do with sexuality despite some less than intelligent claims by trolls that being a feminist makes you a lesbian; it does not. Feminism is not violence. Feminism is not just for women. Feminism is not hairy armpits and legs. Feminism is not strictly for women. Feminism is not going away.
Original Website

Misogyny
Try not to take this the wrong way but this is one of my favorite words. Why? Because it encapsulates so much of the male contribution and propagation of the continued discrimination towards women base on their gender. It covers it all. In one simple word, granted that it is properly understood, sums up so many ideas that need to be addressed. I will provide a definition of misogyny from Wikipedia:

Misogyny (/mɪˈsɒɪni/) is the hatred or dislike of women or girls. Misogyny can be manifested in numerous ways, including sexual discrimination, denigration of women, violence against women, and sexual objectification of women.[1][2] Misogyny is evident within many mythologies of the ancient world as well as various religions. In addition, many influential Western philosophers have been described as misogynistic. 

Misogyny in language
Let's talk about misogyny, big and small (well, I think they are all of equal importance; bad is still bad no matter how you slice it). One of the biggest changes I had to learn was my language. So much of our day to day language is patriarchal (male-oriented/dominated) in every way. When we see a group of our friends of mixed genders our tendency in greeting might be to say, "Hey guys!". Let's examine this for a moment.


Clearly in a mixed gender group there are both men and women so why do we call that group by a male pronoun? To be blunt about it, brainwashing. To be a little more complex, it is the continued indoctrination of society through education, media and institutionalization. We are programmed with this patriarchal language at the very onset of birth and it continues on into adulthood. There is no escaping that; it can only be addressed through changing the way we speak. While is may sound funny to say something to the effect of, "Hey everyone!", it is most likely because we are so accustomed to our way of speaking.

This is just one 'small' example of misogyny in language and I've had the rebuttal that I'm just being picky with this; that there are bigger feminist issues, bigger world issues; that I'm going overboard. I am not, you are not going 'overboard' enough. To dismiss this lack of respect towards women as individual human beings is no different than dismissing a 'minor' racial slur; it's wrong no matter which way you slice it. There are worse examples of language that you can dig up, that is certain, but the idea here is to provide a common example that everyone can relate to. We've all used this expression without so much as a second thought to the fact that it supposes, like most patriarchal language, that men are dominant over women (who are submissive). Just because you don't agree with me on this does not make it any less true.

Misogyny in media
I expected that this could be the longest portion to my post but I am going to try and keep it as brief as possible. I want to clarify that when I use the term 'media' here that I am speaking about all forms of media: news, movies, music, television, magazines, etc. Our media is inundated with misogyny and built on a foundation of the objectification of women.
Original Website
Women are consistently and repeatedly used as objects, most often sexual n nature, in order to sell a message or product. That message can be from a news anchor telling you who to vote for or it could be from Axe telling you how their scents will make you irresistible to men. Regardless of the context in which the objectification of women is being used, sexually oriented or not, it is sexist and misogynistic, Women are not objects. Cars are objects; rocks are objects; this computer from which I am typing is an object; women are not. Yet daily we are bombarded and inundated with media that continues to promote the idea that it's alright to objectify women.
Original Website
Their are many problems that come from the objectification of women but none so damaging (in my opinion) than creating the environment to disassociate women as people thus making it easy to dismiss any negative actions take towards women (including verbal abuses). Psychologically it allows a person to ignore the fact that women are human. Once they become objects, all bets are off and they can be treated however a person should decide and that person won't see what they are doing is wrong. We are teaching men, and women, to view women as objects.
Original Website
This mass marketing and advertising of women as objects is growing exponentially and at an alarming rate. It is also breaking beyond the 'norms' of objectification and are noticeably objectifying females at younger and younger ages (see the "sexy" Halloween link at the beginning). This objectification is far more dangerous towards younger boys and girls. It sets, at the very onset of psychological social development, a precedent and expectation for women as well as for men. Women must be 'sexy' while men must be 'tough' to generalize it but that particular issue has a deeper and more far reaching source to it.

Men and Women
As mentioned, oftentimes the stereotype we see in the media is men being tough, women being sexy. This notion of what it means to be a woman or what it means to be a man is part of the foundation of misogyny and sexism. The biggest problem is that not all women are the same and not all men are the same. Both genders come in a wide variety of shapes and sizes. We're all a little different from one another and through growth, development and environment we become more complex human beings; more complex men and women. Our ancient and out-dated strict binary definitions of men and women are the first contributors.

What does it mean to be a man? What is male? What does it mean to be a woman? What is female? This enters into an area where the discussion can rapidly go astray. The aim of these questions and upcoming assertions/statements is to make you think and not necessarily a concrete reflection of my own views or interpretations. When we're born, our gender is determined by the physical characteristics of our body (that can change later and I'll touch upon it shortly and briefly). From there we begin the 'grooming' process. Girls play with dresses, boys with ripped jeans; girls like pink, boys like blue; girls like princesses, boys like soldiers; etc. The list goes on and on but sadly and unfortunately not one of those things defines what it means to be a man or a woman.

The continued confusion about genders we are educating our children with is causing serious psychological sexual development as well as emotional and social. By stating you're a boy if you wear ripped jeans, like the color blue and enjoy playing soldiers serious limits the infinite possibilities for character development on any child born with a penis. The same works against women. Being a man or being a woman goes beyond you physical characteristics and has absolutely nothing to do with your subjective interests; it has to do with how you identify your gender. Assigning gender to inanimate objects and ideas promotes the idea that those things are off limits to the opposite gender and that is absolutely not true.

Gender identity is a much larger and vast topic and subject to discuss and I am not nearly as informed to write at length about it. What I will say is that it is the individual that decides how they identify. Some women figure out they are men and some men figure out that they are women; they identify with that gender or sex even if their physical body does not reflect what their psychological mind does. It is the psychology here that is important; we can change the physical. Many do and rightfully so for them. The subjective idea of gender association plays an even more detrimental role in case of gender identification in young people trying to discover themselves in a world where they are constantly being told what they should be finding.

Rape and sexual assault
Rape. It is the most vile form of misogyny. The complete objectification and dehumanization of one individual upon another. The damage inflicted upon the victim is maximized through psychological, emotional and physical violation. Of the two binary genders, women are far more likely to be the victim of a rape or sexual assault than a man. That is not to say that men are not subjected to sexual assault or are not raped; they are and this is equally serious. For the purpose of the rest of this portion we will be talking about rape and sexual assault against women.

We all have a general, albeit disturbing, idea of what it means when we hear the word 'rape'. We conjure up vile images of sexual and physical violence of a man against a woman. I'm not going to get into descriptive writing about how we generally imagine rape but I now that you have that thought it is extremely important and crucial that you understand that that is only ONE form of rape; there are others. Chances are, you have been raped and so have I. If you ever had a partner who pressured you into having sex after denying them consent, you've been raped. If you were ever legally intoxicated and had sex, you've been raped. If you ever had to be convinced to have sex, you've been raped. Not every rape is violent; not every rape is apparent; and worst of all, not every rape is reported.

Why? Why aren't all rapes reported? Because, traditionally and currently, the victim is crucified at the hands of the law, the courts, their families and the public. So often, victims are blamed for the atrocity committed against them and the perpetrator quite often escapes any form of justice whatsoever. "What was she wearing?" "Were you drinking?" "Were you alone?" All questions that are irrelevant to the fact that someone was violently violated without consent. The only question we should be asking victims is what we can do for them. Over time I my eyes have been opened to how predominant a reaction it is for people to blame the victim. The victim is innocent, stop punishing them.

As there are many forms of rape, so too are there many forms of sexual assault and harassment. Sexual assault can be seen as touching someone in one of the 'private' areas (ie: breast, buttocks, vagina or penis) but is not limited to just those things. Inappropriate touching, kissing, groping and advances are also sexual assault. Again here we too often see the victim blamed for the actions and behaviors of a criminal or sexual deviant. This continues across the board into sexual harassment as well. My most loathed form of harassment has got to be cat-calling/street harassment.

If an attractive woman wearing an attractive outfit happens to cross your path on the street it is not an invitation to objectify her and treat her like smut. She did not get up this morning with you in mind; she did not get dressed thinking of you. She did these things for herself and when you open your mouth and harass her about it you are punishing her for loving herself; for being confident in herself; for having self-respect. From your whistle to your vile and crude comments, each one is a nail in the coffin of herself as a person. Here is another area where people will often tell me that I've gone too far with feminism; that it's ridiculous. I've even had women tell me they enjoy it and I have to say, that is your right however many (possibly most) do not and this is just another way that misogyny objectifies and degrades women.

Feminists
Many people like to put a label on feminists (discussed above What feminism isn't) and write them off as extreme man haters whose sole aim is to subjugate men and take away their rights. This couldn't be further from the truth (though in any idealism you will have extremists; just look to organized religion for a plethora of examples). Feminists come like people: different shapes, sizes and most importantly, different genders. Feminists aren't all women, though predominantly I would wager they are a good portion. Some, like myself, are men who have become aware of the stark contrast between men and women's rights.

Laci Green - 50 Reasons Why I'm A Feminist

Two of the most influential feminists I've come across are Laci Green and Anita Sarkeesian. Laci has a number of different social media platforms where she communicates some extremely important ideas on feminism and also on sexuality in general, I highly, highly recommend you check out her YouTube channel if you want a clear, easy to understand explanation on feminism and a number of feminist issues. Anita is another inspiration to me and you may have recognized her name. She has recently been making headlines after her Women as Tropes in Video Games series was released on YouTube (her channel is the Feminist Frequency). While she continues to receive death threats, rape threats and vile communications, her videos on women in video games were enlightening and educational. If you have kids and they play video games I strongly urge you to watch her videos.
Original Website

Change
I don't expect to change any minds; I expect only to open them. While today's story in the Herald was a catalyst to this post, I am increasingly frustrated by the vast amount of misogyny and sexism towards women that is imbedded in our society and it's continued propagation on such a startling and alarming level in every facet of society. I am increasingly angered by the number of people who dismiss and disregard every day sexism as 'things that just happen' or because 'that's the way it's always been' or 'stop being so sensitive', etc., etc., etc. There is no excuse for it. Women and men are both one thread from the same cloth; that we have managed to create a social structure where one is valued more above the other is nothing short of deplorable. We can do better.

We can do better by each choosing to change the way we speak, the way we act and the behavior we find acceptable. Stand up to misogyny in whatever form it finds itself, wherever it should find itself. There is no excuse for the purposeful and intentional degradation of another human being; period. You will make new enemies; you will lose friends; you will be ridiculed; and you will be attacked (character and possibly physically) but you will be helping to making a change we so desperately need.

Ramblings
It is absolutely astonishing to me just how many people accept the way we treat women in the world. We all have a connection to women be it a mother, a sister, an aunt, a cousin, a lover, a wife, a daughter, a niece or just a friend. Would you tolerate even the subtlest of these types of behaviors towards them? Would you ask your daughter what she was wearing or how drunk she was when she was raped? Is that even a conceivable question for a parent? It's so easy to dismiss feminism because it's so easy to disassociate; look how good we've become at turning women into objects.

I have a profound and deep empathy for women, all women in all places. I have only recently joined the ongoing struggle for women's rights and it has been one of the biggest wake up calls of my life. Never before have I reexamined so much of my core philosophies, ideologies and morality then I did when I died a misogynist and was born again a feminist. I have so much more to learn and sometimes I make mistakes but I am learning; I am seeing what it is that women must endure and struggle through on a daily basis; on a moment by moment basis.

I have only really begun to involve myself with ideas of social justice and activism in the last few years but it has been most enlightening. What has been perhaps the most disturbing is while I have been criticized for the ideas I've supported, I have never received more criticism, more hate, more personal attacks then when speaking about feminism and women's rights. If this absurd and ridiculous amount of hatred is but a taste of what women must endure when standing up for their rights it is evidently clear to me that women are by far the stronger gender.

I empathize as best I can but I will never know the fears and nightmares that must be endured by women simply from being a woman. I can only listen, learn and share. I will continue to do what I can because feminism is not just a women's issue; it is a men's issue and a very important one that we must come to understand. While this is not the first time, nor the last, that I have written about feminism (see blog post YesAllWomen) and won't be the last, it is so imperative that we do away with the absurd notion that feminism is no longer needed; it most definitely is.

The End
While I know I didn't talk about everything I wanted to and I didn't go as in depth into what I did touch upon as I had anticipated, I have done my best in this rather brief post (in relation to feminism as a topic) to identify some of the important ideas about feminism that I have. It is nowhere near comprehensive but it's far from empty. I hope that it will start you down a road where you begin to question the way women of the world are treated (not just in the Western world). Thank you all for taking the time to read and as always, love each other. Oh, and for those of you who are constantly telling me to stop wasting my time on a non-issue, this is in part for you because feminism IS an issue; a very real and disturbing issue.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Dairy Queen: Not Treating Me Right

Good day my fellow readers. Today was not such a good day and as a result I need to share a few things about my experience. I know some of my close friends who are aware of the situation are patiently waiting for this post; I just needed to relax before I wrote anything and you will see why very shortly. I apologize in advance for the length of the post...I have a lot to say. Let's get to it.

Original Posting

Back Story
At the beginning of September I moved to Truro, Nova Scotia to live my sister; she is allowing me to live with her rent free. I took a leave of absence from work and moved here to find mindless work to get my finances in order and to do a little soul searching. I applied to a dozen or so jobs on the job bank two weeks into September and was immediately contacted by Dairy Queen located in Truro at 945 Prince Street.

I wasn't looking for responsibility or authority; I was looking for something I could do to keep a low profile and earn some money. During the interview with the owner, John, and the Truro store manager, Greg, it became quickly evident that John had something more in mind. Given my extensive experience in fast food and management, John wanted me to work at his Stewiacke location to assist his current manager. As my sister works only ten minutes from Stewiacke and I could get a ride, I informed him that I would take that role on if he wanted but it would have to accommodate my sister's schedule: nine to five, Monday to Friday. I was hired the next day and started my training that very same week.

Despite taking on more than I had originally planned I thought it might be a good opportunity so I accepted the position at whatever wage they chose to pay. I requested only minimum wage and flipping burgers; they gave me above minimum wage, a supervisory role and a future bigger role to play. This was what they wanted and pushed me for; I agreed because it would assist me.

The Beginning
Having worked over fifteen years in fast food, I was looking forward to my training as I was sure much of it would come naturally; it did. As I became a little more familiar with the work I was doing, I began to do little things that were inconsequential if not done but might be helpful in the overall operation of serving customers. It became apparent rather quickly that this was not only not appreciated but not welcome.

On my second day, I was working at bagging orders for drive thru and in store. They were very clear that when bagging orders that you only dispense ONE napkin per food item. This isn't unheard of and is mostly common practise at many restaurants. I noticed that most drive thru orders had a minimum of two food items as most people would get a combo of some sorts. Taking this empirical and observed data, I began bagging small bags with two napkins ahead of the lunch rush. What happened next was the first indication that things were not going to go as smoothly as I hoped.

One of the workers saw me, inquired about what I was doing and then seemed impressed about the idea and the time it would help save over peak periods. A minute later Greg, the manager, saw what I was doing and instead of asking why, he simply looked at me and in a rude and obnoxious tone simply said, "No." Needless to say I was confused so I asked him what he meant. He just told me to stop doing it. I explained what I was doing, or tried, and he cut me off and told me to stop and take the napkins out. Again, I politely asked why to which the answer inevitable arrived at: "Because I said so." Warning bells were now sounding.

Paper Towel & Bacteria
Dairy Queen uses brown paper towels for their dispensers to dry your hands. As I was doing dishes one day, I required one of the items immediately. After washing, rinsing and then sanitizing the dish in question, I took some fresh paper towel and began to dry off the item needed. Midway through the process, Greg spots what I am doing and once more it is a snarky and rude command, "NO!". I inquire as to what he means and he tells me that I'm not allowed to dry anything with the paper towel. I asked why to which I was told, "Because you are spreading bacteria all over it." Seems legit right? Not really.

First, the dish was cleaned using proper procedure and during this process my hands also were properly cleaned. The paper towel I was using was straight out of the box, mostly free of contaminants; at least no more than an open air surface would have. But let's say that he's right, not a problem...wait, yes it is. In a restaurant that does not use gloves when handling ANYTHING, it is both illogical and incorrect to give me that as an explanation and reason not to use paper towel. Each employee, including the manager and owner, wash their hands and then use the SAME brown paper towel to wash their hands before touching food products and open surfaces. How can it be safe to dry my hands and not spread bacteria everywhere that way but unsafe to dry a dish? It can't. This is a contradiction and nature abhors a contradiction. I didn't call him out on it. I dropped it and I kept my mouth quiet and did what I was told.

Touch Screens & A Stylus Pen
Dairy Queen uses touch screen monitors at their point of sale which is rather helpful when it comes to quickly entering in an order; at least when it works properly. After being trained on the cash register, I was having difficulties with the touch screen. I would press on something and it would not acknowledge my touch or it would select an item around it causing me to oftentimes enter an entire combo order before I can delete it and start over. The drive thru was particular bad for this perhaps because it was used more.

One day during a rush such an incident occurred on the front counter with a very kind and understanding woman. When I explained what had happened she reached into her purse and gave to me a brand new stylus pen; a stylus pen that is specifically designed for ALL touch screen devices. I opened it up immediately and used it very efficiently to finish taking her orders. It was like using the cash register for the first time. Every button I touched responded as it was supposed to and my efficiency at cash immediately doubled; possibly tripled.

As I continued taking orders, Greg stepped away from the drive thru he was running over our peak lunch hour and came over to me at the front counter and once again I was told nothing more than, "No." I asked why once again and again was met with little to no explanation. I explained, as I had before about the difficulties I was having with the touch screen and how much better the stylus was making me to which I was told, "Listen, I can't have you using that. First it breaks up the aesthetics because you're different then the others on cash and secondly because another staff might see you using it and use a real pen and break the screen. Those are $55,000 machines." He then turned and walked away. Wow.

First, if you paid fifty five thousand dollars for each of your touch screens you need to re-visit your vendor, demand your money back and go down to The Source and pick some up for a couple thousand that would do all the same things and save you a bundle. Second, and this one here is particularly disturbing, what kind of faith do you have in your staff that you think one of them would use a real pen on a touch screen? What kind of idiots are working there and better yet, what does it say about the manager who hired the employees he considers so stupid and incapable that they'd use a real pen on a touch screen? This moment proved without a doubt that Greg has no respect for his staff whatsoever. I fully understood that the lack of morale among the staff was most likely a direct result of Greg and his poor leadership skills. He's definitely a boss, not a leader.

Confrontational
During me second week, I came in on my day off to drop off banking information. This one minute drop off turned into a twenty minute critique of everything I learned up until then. Greg stopped me from leaving to tell me how poorly I was doing in certain areas; that I needed to get better faster; and lastly, to tell me that I was confrontational because, and I quote, "When I told you to stop bagging napkins you questioned me." I was confused and asked for an explanation turned me into 'confrontational'.

Every day for the three weeks that I worked at Dairy Queen I was met by Greg telling me about something I did wrong or criticizing the work I was doing or the method in which I was doing it. Over that three week period I never once received positive encouragement, compliments or constructive criticism about my work. Every word that came from my manager was to tear me down. When I shared this with a few co-workers I was told a few disturbing things but mostly that 'that is the way he is with everyone.' Really? That is possibly the worst style of management to undertake: rule by force.

An example of the sheer pettiness of the determination to degrade me and make me feel even more useless, I will share this complaint. He called on his day off and had not one but two staff tell me that I was writing down my cash wrong. What was wrong about it? I'll show you. When I count cash, I write out the denominations I'm counting in a column, then a multiplication symbol column, then an empty column for the number of each denomination I have, then an equal sign column and finally a column for the sum. Like this:

5   x ____ =
10 x ____ =
20 x ____ =

That's intuitive to me, organized and easy to understand. Apparently it's all completely wrong. He took time out of his day to have two employees do his beration for him and instruct me in the proper method that is REQUIRED:

____ x 5  =
____ x 10 =
____ x 20 =

Can you imagine how petty and insecure you have to be for something like this? Banks do it via method one; every restaurant I have ever work at does it via method one; every bank deposit slip I've ever filled out does it via method one; but no, I was doing it all completely wrong. How stupid I was!

Burgers, Buns & Microwaves
I understand the pressure and stress of the fast food industry, the high demand for fast, accurate service. I have lived it for half of my life and I am aware that there are times where corners are cut in order to meet those demands but some of the practices at Dairy Queen left me not wanting to eat there anymore.

Fresh is important. We've all been through a drive thru and asked for fresh fries. Why? Because we know that they sit there for long periods of time some days and they get served even if they should have been tossed out. Dairy Queen practises this to the fullest extent. I never once saw fries being thrown out from sitting too long and there were times where they sat and started becoming soggy. But I'm used to this sort of practice, I don't agree with it but it's not my business. However, their hamburger practice is a little more disturbing.

When you buy a burger from DQ you are taking a risk. Oftentimes a dozen or more patties are cooked through the 'grill' regardless of being needed or not and then are kept in a 'warming' tray. Yes, all burger restaurants use warmers but I have worked at others, including Wendy's and they throw out (or use for other purposes) their patties after they have sat too long; not so with DQ. Your patty may have just been cooked or it may have just been cooked a few hours ago; you have no way to tell. Those toasted buns (yes, the buns are toasted in case you missed it) are all toasted prior to store opening for the entire day; the entire day. The bacon you enjoy on your burgers? Microwaved to perfection in bulk and left to sit in the open air all day long. To make sure you always have a nice hot burger, once it is all put together they stuff it into a microwave and nuke it. Yup, every burger and poutine is microwaved prior to being served. Hot food is not an indication of fresh food; quite the opposite.

Food Prep & Hand-washing Protocol
During what would be my third and final week, I was trained to work the grill which included prep work. I enjoy prep work and making burgers because I am good at it, exceptionally so and because I enjoy using my hands. There is a certain satisfaction to be found in it. However, I was somewhat taken aback that all the prep work is done on the same cutting board, attached to the burger making unit, and was rarely wiped down while switching between foods. I am SUPER particular about cross contamination. I hospitalized a woman as a teenager by mistakenly serving her green peppers and that incident has stayed with me since. I take food safety very seriously.

On the front counter is where all the candy and toppings are kept for blizzards and all their ice cream products; this includes at least two varieties of nuts: peanuts with skins (loose and attached) and pecans. While they are kept at the end of the line, they are added using a spoon like all the others. This causes them to spill out onto the counter and into other products. Given the gravity and severity of allergies to nuts common in our society today I find their practice of nut storage a dangerous gamble with the lives of the consumer. Even if a customer identifies an allergy, there is no certainty that it will be nut free even if nuts are not part of the actual item.

Outwardly, the management promoted but hardly enforced proper hand-washing. On my LAST day of grill training I was told that the grill person sets a 30 minute timer to be reminded to inform all staff to change their sanitizer cleaning water for fresh stuff and to wash their hands. I was spoken to by my manager because I forgot to do it once that day. In my three weeks at Dairy Queen I was never once, not once asked to wash my hands or change my sanitizer water. Clearly the practice is good in theory but without action it does not nothing to prevent cross contamination and the spreading of dangerous germs and bacteria. Those same hands are being used to touch your patties, your buns, your cheese, your veggies, your fries and almost every other food in the store. Yum!

Miscellaneous
At least twice a day I was shown how to perform a task by my trainer or the manager and twice a day I would be told by one of the two, the opposite one who trained me, that I was doing it wrong. I attempted numerous times to convey my concerns in a professional manner and was ignored, berated or critiqued at every turn.

While I have spent a lot of time complaining, and there is still a bit more to come, I have to say that it was not all bad. Many of the staff members were wonderful and fantastic people that I am happy to have met. It should also be noted that many of the staff expressed the same frustration with the manager and his inability to lead and the constant negative criticisms of their work. Many clearly did not respect him and rightfully so given his lack of respect for them. John, the owner, seems like a your average business owner: happy as long as things are running smooth and the store is making money. He reminded me a lot of my first employer and while our interactions were limited, I developed an immediate sense of respect of him. He was honest and straight-forward but never ignorant; the opposite of his manager. I was told by one of the staff that 'Greg does it John's way and acts one way while he's here and as soon as he leaves it's back to Greg's way.'

Something I found extremely odd and would be concerned about as an owner: no inventory process. Well, that's not entirely true. Once a year they do an annual inventory count. Once a year. I don't understand this. Every restaurant I worked at before did it at the very minimum monthly; many did bi-weekly; and others, every week. This is essential to keep food and product costs down to maximize profits. That's business 101. While the lack of inventory management is irrelevant to me, I found that to be particularly strange.

The Firing
Today I was sitting at home, wondering what would be awaiting me at work today. What new critique of my work would it be today? Despite the anxiety of knowing that every day you go to work you are going to be put down and criticized, I was feeling somewhat relaxed as it's a holiday and the manager would not be in; just a skeleton crew of high school aged employees and myself. I was listening to music when my sister came in with the phone; work. My stomach went into knots. I already knew what was coming despite having conceded every argument, adjusted my work to every critique, refrained from standing up for myself and adhered to what, in my opinion, are some absurd rules and regulations. It was Greg.

Greg called me to tell me that they 'would no longer be continuing with my employment.' As the nerves crashed, my hands began to shake and I forced a out a very polite and calm why. I was told flat out, "I don't have to tell you. It's within the three month trial period." I told him I understood that he did not need a reason to fire me on paper but asked for an explanation as that was the professional thing to do. He told me "No." I told him that I felt he was being disrespectful towards me, that I didn't understand and asked for something, anything to help understand the decision. "No." And with yet another ignorant conversation, I was no longer employed. No reason, no explanation.

I have worked, as mentioned, in fast food for over fifteen years. I have been just a lowly staffer; I have been a supervisor more times at more places then I care to share; I have also managed one. I know about the 90 day trial; I know how to bend the rules; I know all the things that Greg tried to make himself feel superior with by treating me like I was incompetent and ignorant despite knowing I had the same knowledge. It is precisely that he knows I know that the professional courtesy should have been shown and an explanation provided. I can take being fired but I should be entitled to at least an explanation. It is not much to ask given there was no warning or indication and I had committed myself to helping them out by taking on a larger role then I wanted. In fact, I was made to feel, by the manager once more, that they were somehow doing me some great favor by allowing me to work for them in that capacity. I didn't ask for it, they pushed and urged me to do it. I honestly did it for John because I could see he really had high hopes and John, if you get the chance to read this, all your hopes and expectations would have been met and surpassed if it wasn't for the arrogance, ignorance and audacity of your narrow-minded, bullying and rude manager.

The End
There is more I could tell, little things I could share that would further help paint a picture of the environment I worked in and the absurdity of my firing in relation to the actions and behavior of some of the other staff that work there but this post has already gone on longer than expected. I think enough has been said about my experience without needing to add anymore.

Needless to say, my time at Dairy Queen was by far one of the worst job experiences I have ever had and the absolute worse in the fast food industry. The sad irony is that it had nothing to do with the work, the job or the stress. It was about respect, rather a lack thereof, and a complete inability to treat employees as human beings. I cannot not consciously end this without advising that you avoid the Dairy Queen in Truro. Spending your money there helps a manager on a power trip further destroy the morality and self-worth of almost every employee that works there. You also take some health risks especially if you have allergies (absolutely no glove usage whatsoever; in three weeks I was the only person who used gloves for anything).

While I do not hold the company directly responsible for any of this, there is a disconnect between corporate and franchise level. Corporate, as I've come to learn, only becomes concerned when the money isn't rolling in or if marketing isn't up to par. Outside of that they show little interest in how operations are run.


I want to thank you for reading if you've made it this far into my post. I was beginning to feel more confident about my situation and that I was finally starting to move forward in a positive direction only to be torn down and cast aside by a petty and spiteful individual. I was angry, very angry but I took the day to calm down before writing anything about my experience. I find it best to write with a clear mind over a clouded one. I am still upset and mad about the situation. Once again I find myself having to start anew once more and it is extremely frustrating and demoralizing.

And with that, I thank you all once more and wish only positive and amazing things for you all. Today was a write off but tomorrow brings with it the promise of a new day and with every new day comes new opportunity. Perhaps the Universe had to get me out of there because I was ignoring the detrimental effect it was having on me simply because I need to work.