Monday, November 5, 2012

Series: Love Letters

The second letter in a series of real love letters I wrote to the only woman I have ever fallen in love with at first sight; not the only woman I've ever loved. Love is a passionate and blinding emotion; one I hope you've all experienced for better or for worse. The first letter in this series can be found here. Please remember that this is but a glimpse, the tip of an ice burgh of a situation that spans a decade, that unfortunately has since come to an end, but nevertheless lacks context here. Perhaps some day I will share the story and provide you with some.

"September 3rd, xxxx

Xxxxx, my love, I'm sitting here alone and I am watching you smile at me; for me. I finally turned on the video I made of you and Yyyyy and to my surprise I do not feel like crying. It reassures me to see you when you break into that smile; the smile you make out of your love for me. I'm sorry that my fears have been getting the better of me recently but like I've said, every good thing that's ever been part of my life has been stripped from me and I was helpless to stop it from happening. I trust you with my life because when I gave you my love, I also gave you my life. I am as naked and exposed before you as I was the day I entered into existence and sometimes it scares me to be so vulnerable. I try not to let it, but it sometimes finds it's way inside my head. I know you love me; I know you'll wait as long as it takes for me; and I know that you are mine yet somehow those thoughts find their way inside my head. It bothers me and I feel guilty because you shouldn't be made to think I doubt or question your intentions; your loyalty; or your love for me. It's not fair to you and believe me when I swear to you that I do not ever doubt those things. I'm sorry if I've ever made you feel as though I did. I never have and nor will I ever. Someday, we will have the life together that we both deserve; and we both deserve it. I'm watching Yyyyy right now and it would be a lie if I said my heart wasn't aching about missing her too. I know most of the time I only talk about how I'm feeling about you and I don't want you to think that anything is different about the little miracle that is your daughter. I miss her little hugs; her little laughs; her sweet happiness. I know you love her above anything else in this life and you want to protect her from any and all hurt and I guess I don't talk much about her because I'm afraid of how you might take it. I know you don't want her being hurt in any way and to be honest with you Xxxxx: I am far beyond attached to Yyyyy. I'm pretty sure you've heard me say I love her, and I do, and when I've said it I immediately kind of wished I hadn't said it. I'm not sure if you ever caught me saying it because I look to you expecting you to have a look telling me I went too far but I wouldn't say it if it weren't true.There are other things I think and feel but I don't know if I should tell you or if they are inappropriate; though I'm sure they will surface at some point. It means so much to me when you get her to talk on the phone to me. My heart melts with joy. I love you both so very much. Our time is coming; our time to be together. Oh, how I wish things were different and I wasn't stuck here, but this is our test; our test of love; of loyalty; of dedication; of strength and when we get through this, and I assure you we will, what we will have will be something the world has never known. Our love will be the envy of the entire world because they will know what love really is when they look at us and they will be envious. This last phone conversation has really helped put my mind much more at ease, though I can still feel some apprehensiveness creeping around up there. Just understand that it's dwindling rapidly with every passing moment. I love you with all my heart and soul and I want to spend the rest of my life with you; loving you and you loving me. I miss you dearly.

Love,

John"