Saturday, June 15, 2013

Goodbye

Well now that things have changed I feel I owe all you amazing and supportive people an explanation, as best I can, for the depression and anxiety you've all helped me through.

Yesterday I had to say Goodbye; I had to put an end to a ten year chapter of my life and I had to do so very much against my will. Goodbyes are never an easy thing and this one in particular shall rank up there as one of the hardest I've ever had to find the strength to say. No one died so you can put that worry to rest. The only thing damaged from my end was my heart.

For ten years I have been in love with one very special woman. The very first time I ever laid eyes on her I bore witness to what I have come to be told was an "aura". I don't see aura's but what I saw that first moment I will never forget. A shining light so brilliantly white and yellow that the sun's rays paled in comparison. I was struck instantly and knew in that very moment that I had experienced what many a poet, writer and artist has been trying to express for millenia: I experience love at first sight. A different kind of love I've never known before. One that I will never forget and never regret.

Saying goodbye meant more than losing this, not that it was really mine at the time but in a way it was. It's not just the love you lose; you lose a part of yourself. That has been the source of my anxiety: my heart was existing in one place, my mind and body another. One cannot live without one's heart; it leaves the soul empty. I know that in my heart that this was the right thing to do, right now, in this time and place. Will it be the same tomorrow? I don't know.
Make no mistake; I have no regrets. I don't believe in them. Regret is meant for people who are unwilling to take action; who chose doing nothing over risking doing the wrong, or right, thing. Doing the wrong thing is better than doing nothing; a mistake can be corrected. It is not how I envisioned this Once Upon A Time ending; I'd always hoped for a Happily Ever After. This is not to be.

So today, while my heart is heavy and aches with sorrow, I am working on moving forward and growing. I carry with me every moment, good and bad, every memory I have made and those will have to suffice as reminders of what it truly means to find happiness and love in one's life...until I am able to find them again. I'm sure this won't go over well for some; others will know exactly what I'm talking about; some will have a little more clarity; and some will finally have an understanding of what I have been dealing with personally. The worst feeling in the world is letting go of something or someone you love with every fiber of your being; a love that overwhelms the foundations of the heart and shakes you to the core.

I could go on at great lengths about all the wonderful things I've taken away or the things I have allowed myself to suffer through and endure; but I think this is enough for you to get the gist of it. I was depressed because I knew that I would be saying Goodbye to a great love; goodbye to someone who is, on the inside, one of the most wonderful, caring, sensitive and thoughtful people I know...she just doesn't know it.

So there it is. Remarkable how such a simple little word can have such an impact on an individual but yet, here I am. Yesterday I lived in perptual heartache and stress but I loved and was loved; today, my heart begins to heal, the stress has been alleviated, I still love but I'm no longer being loved (I know I'm loved but I think you know what I mean).

And I guess the hardest part is going to be the void. While I don't discount that I will fall in love again someday, the pain and realization of knowing what I am missing during the between will certainly be a struggle to overcome. Life is hard; love even harder at times but these are the risks we must accept if we want to really live. I may sad, but I am alive and living; the pain tells me so much like the joy will do again.
Thanks for listening; thanks for caring; and thanks for loving.