Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Heart Ache and Love

If you haven't guessed from the title, today I'm going to share with you some very important suggestions on dealing with heartbreak you may want to consider. I call them suggestions and not advice because advice implies that you should do said thing. You're an individual, like myself and free to make your own choices as always. What you will read is how I have come to learn about dealing with heartbreak and the inevitable flurry of wild emotions that can accompany it; especially if you're the one being left.

As I've mentioned I am self-described as hyper-emotional; meaning I feel things on a much deeper level than most (or at least that is how it feels oftentimes; it could be that others are just really good at hiding it.). Though this particular attribute is absolutely amazing during times when I am feeling positive, it is extremely detrimental when I become negative. When I have had to deal with heartbreak in the past, it has not exactly gone well.

When you're young, teenaged years, your hormones are out of sync as your body is maturing making for that extra bit of emotion. The first time my heart was broke, I was absolutely devastated. I cried my eyes out every night for a week. I thought the world was over and I would be alone forever. So dramatic but as I said, hyper-emotional. When I hit my twenties I still had no balance with my emotions.

The next time I was in love, and it was love. I truly believe that you can, over a lifetime, be capable of giving your heart to more than one person. Love is love and if it has not been love I've felt, because it hasn't been with all the women of my life and there have been a few, than I cannot wait to experience what love truly is. Anyway, I was just into my twenties and she cheated on me after six years. That was the only time in my life, and it was only for the briefest of moments but it was there, that I considered suicide. Hyper-emotional. I survived and moved on.

The third time I was in love was a roller-coaster ride like no other. I won't get into too many details as it is not so much detail but understanding that I want to express here. The first time I saw her, well, I have never seen anything quite like it. She was surrounded by a glowing aura (really, not making this up) and I knew I was in love. From the first look, I knew. It lasted six months before she ended it without solid explanation. I never got over her. I tried to drink her away; I tried to 'screw' her away (sorry for the vulgar wording of that statement, I am trying to really express how deep into an abyss this sent me.); I tried smoking her away. Nothing. I thought I would never recover. I did.

Then chance and circumstance brought us together again. Short version is that apparently she had been thinking of me too. She had a little girl now, just under two. The relationship was amazing...but sometimes good things end. We had a very rocky last year or two. Although my love for her is still there and my infinite hope believes somewhere, she feels it too; something told me otherwise. I moved away to go to school and we stayed together and I've visited but each visit felt less and less like home. And then she sent me a message explaining we needed to talk. So I called.

So today mark's a new beginning for me. Today I was informed that after nearly six years she no longer feels the same about me. She has come to the conclusion that I would be better suited with someone who loves me the way I love her. She's right. For the first time in my life I am not mad; I am not upset; I am not sad; and I am not losing control. It isn't because I was ready for it; we've been in far worse places. No it wasn't that.

This is what I want to share; the difference; the change. You see what I have come to understand is that I was always capable of having balance with my emotions, not control, but balance. Until now, in the realm of heartbreak, mine was always egocentric. Why me? Why doesn't she feel the same way? How is it so easy for her? And all the other normal self-pity questions. Not until now have I realized that I do not have to suffer. I cannot change her desire by force or coercion; and even if I could the relationship would be a fake. I love her I truly do and her daughter as well but love requires love in return. Who am I to question the will of her emotions? Who are any of us?

I have learned that love is truly spiritual and enlightening. I have learned that heartache is some of the worst pain to experience. I have learned that love goes on; but more importantly, so does pain. I can only answer for my own feelings not for those of others; the same is true of all of us. My suggestion is when heartache comes your way, as it most inevitably will, remember these things:

You will love again. The pain will subside. Most importantly though, you cannot control the emotional desires of others; respect that. With this knowledge I have come to accept that this part of my life, though against my own wishes but perhaps for my own good, has come to a close. Today a chapter very dear to me in the book of my life has ended; tomorrow marks the beginning of a new chapter.