Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Something Is...Was Wrong

Good morning to you all. If you've been following my blog, you no doubt noticed that yesterday lacked an entry. I'm going to talk about that today; more specifically I'm going to talk about the reasons. Writing has always been something that has come naturally to me. I cannot really recall a time when I was unable to write about something and so yesterday when I sat at my computer screen, staring blankly at it for hours, it occurred to me that something was wrong.

Something is wrong. Apathy is creeping its way back into my soul. Only just a few weeks ago my outlook on life was on the rise; my motivation had reached heights previously lost to me; life was good. Life is still good but something is wrong; my motivation seems to be fading and I'm not sure why. There have been some changes, some more drastic than others, but overall I felt that I was dealing with everything extremely well.

Today I thought that I would again miss another blog entry. It was the first thing on my mind when I got up this morning; my inability to write that is. As I said, I love writing; it's something I've always enjoyed doing and something people have always encouraged me to continue doing so I must be doing something right. There. That's the problem. I don't feel like my writing is right. I think perhaps I am putting too much pressure on myself to find success in my writing.

Success, in the world we live in, is so important to us. Successful job, successful relationship, successful life...I want success. Who doesn't? I dream of my work being recognized; I dream of writing a novel (I have two started already); I dream of my name being spoken of around the tables of coffee shops or in classrooms; I envision my words being remembered in the annals of a library somewhere; I dream. That is the problem: too much dreaming, not enough doing.

I am not the most religious individual but what I do believe is that the Universe only gives you doors you need to walk through, I call that fate, but it is up to each one of us to see those doors and choose to walk through them; I call this destiny. So the way I see it, fate has opened a plethora of new doors for me and I must choose my destiny and walk through one of them. Instead, I stand here, looking at all the paths that lay down before me now, wondering about each one. They have an expression for that: Life is what happens when you're busy making up your mind. Time to turn dreams into reality.

I wasn't going to write today; my instructor made me (not in the bad way). What I mean is that we were given a choice to write a blog entry or some other writing assignment. Presented with this option I opted with a blog entry; after all I did miss yesterday and now you, as well as I, know why. So thank you Deb Wells-Hopey for putting me in a position where I was forced to confront myself; thank you for pushing me in front of my metaphorical mirror and making me stare myself in the face; thank you for providing the opportunity to discover the root of my lethargy. Yesterday I was lost in an abyss of fear and success; today I have discovered that I was never lost, I was never afraid; I have earned success.

If ever I questioned, which I have not in almost a year, the necessity of the collective, however big or small, I shall question no more. Alone I was finding balance, harmony and happiness. Alone I also discovered apathy, lethargy and loneliness. I embraced the good but it was unfulfilling without others to share it with; I battled the bad but it was too overwhelming to overcome it alone. There are moments when I reach a point of apathy where I want to abandon my pursuits; abandon my school; abandon my friends; abandon my family; abandon my life as I know it and escape. Then someone does something, says something that ignites the fire within me and I could never imagine not being part of this crazy, mixed up world. Something is was wrong.